Best of Bond: Villains and Minions

I’m not as opinionated in this area, so it’s a little hard for me to rank these things. But, as much as I like watching James woo women and win at cards, I think the movies would be lacking if there wasn’t a detestable opponent for him to face.

BEST VILLAINS

1. Ernst Stavro Blofeld (From Russia with Love, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Diamonds are Forever, For Your Eyes Only)
2. Max Zorin (A View To A Kill)
3. Elektra (The World Is Not Enough)
4. Elliot Carver (Tomorrow Never Dies)
5. Gustav Graves (Die Another Day)
6. Hugo Drax (Moonraker)

Blofeld

Blofeld needs no reasoning, just look at his resume. Zorin is basically interchangeable with Christopher Walken, who is, himself, a badass. His sidekick is May Day who is the scariest female alive and he sleeps with her. That takes balls. Elektra is sexy. She’s cunning and successful with most of her plan. I mean, she totally dupes M. Carver is a lunatic… and I love it. Maybe it’s because I was a journalism major so I have to believe in the power of media, but damn, man, great plot. Fantastic evil master plan. Way to fuck with people in a new-age style. Graves is creepy–like ugly creepy. His sneer is terrifying, his cover (ya know, he’s not actually Gustav Graves, right?) is effective, and he built an ice castle. Drax, eh, I don’t have much to say. I just liked his Noah’s Ark plan, so, good job.

WORST VILLAINS

1. Le Chiffre (Casino Royale)
2. Francisco Scaramanga (The Man with the Golden Gun)
3. Aris Kristatos (For Your Eyes Only)
4. General Orlov (Octopussy)
5. Largo (Thunderball)
6. Dr. No (Dr. No)

Le Chiffre in "Casino Royale"

Le Chiffre weeps blood from one eye, and his plan is to regain lost money at a high-stakes card game. For real? Scaramanga‘s calling card is his third nipple and a special golden bullet. He uses a midget to instigate The Most Dangerous Game-like hunt, and all he wants is to kill Bond. And use the solex agitator. Is that a swanky vibrator or a new washing machine piece? Bond ruins Kristatos‘ plan by throwing his oversized device off a sheer cliff. It was that easy? Plus, the man has a creepy fetish for little girls. I don’t think Orlov ever does anything. He has grand plans for taking over Western Europe with a circus bomb. Epic fail. I know Largo doesn’t do anything. Like an amateur, he steals things in an attempt to extort money. He wears an eyepatch, his female sidekick does better with Bond than he does, but he’s still too insignificant for Bond to kill. Largo’s mistress-turned-Bond-Girl gets him with a harpoon. Dr. No couldn’t escape death because of his metal hands. Hah.

BEST MINIONS

1. Xena Onatopp (GoldenEye)
2. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint (Diamonds Are Forever)
3. Necros (The Living Daylights)
4. Nick Nack (Man With The Golden Gun)
5. Tee Hee (Live and Let Die)
6. Dario (Licence to Kill)

Xenia Onatopp in "GoldenEye"

Killing people is like sex for Miss Onatopp. She even kills people during sex. And she moans and screams like a crazy person. Or someone who is really getting off. I think she probably orgasmed when she got crushed in that tree. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are the fabulously gay duo. They definitely rock the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy, but they’re good at what they do. Until the end, that is, with their poor attempt at the bombe surprise. Necros has a special place in my 80’s-loving heart. He kills people with a walkman, throws exploding milk bombs, and is one hell of a rigid chap. Nick Nack has a knickknack sized world, and it makes the inner-kid in me super jealous. And yes, I know that’s not pc. Neither is he. Tee Hee has a mechanical arm because he lost his to a gator. Now he can fuck up gators if he wants. The man’s tough shit. Although Benicio del Toro literally got pulverized as Dario, he was one hell of a go-to guy for Sanchez. Definitely the brawn in the operation.

WORST MINIONS

1. Solitaire (Live and Let Die)
2. Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
3. Boris (GoldenEye)
4. Osato (You Only Live Twice)
5. Dr. Joe Butcher (Licence to Kill)
6. Oddjob (Goldfinger)

Solitaire in "Live And Let Die"

The epic virgin, the loss of Solitaire‘s purity meant the loss of her fortunetelling skills, which were quite the deal for Mr. Big. To make it worse, it was Bond who defiled the young Jane Seymour. All Jaws does is bite shit. Really? It gets kind of old. And then we find out he has a heart when he falls for that nerdy girl and ultimately saves Bond’s life. Hmpf. Boris is a pervert. He’s also annoying, dirty, looks like he smells, has horrible nervous ticks (his pen clicking detonates a bomb), and he’s not that quick at code breaking and virus sending. Osato is a pansy who won’t kill Bond himself, so after lots of failed attempts from passing off his duty, Blofeld takes care of him. Butcher is Wayne Newton and a corrupt religious figure. Ewww. Oddjob is a baller with his hat, but like Jaws, it gets old. His hat is what really matters. I could probably kill someone with that hat.

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  1. Pingback: The New Pope Looks Like Elliot Carver | not exactly ready

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