Tag Archives: dating

How To Fail at Picking Up a Girl at a Bar

-1 tell her she looks like she likes anal
-2 tell her she has the same name as your ex wife
-3 tell her, that way, it won’t matter if you call out her name
-4 tell her the librarian look with glasses made you pop a boner, right there, right then.

#KristinaChristina #TheyAllFindMe #ReasonsImSingle

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Five-Year Mark

This year, I’m invited back to my first class reunion at Drake. I couldn’t possibly have graduated five years ago, but apparently, I did. That same glorious time-o-year is the five year mark of my single status. The death of my last relationship. (Well, official, Facebook-removal of said relationship, anyway.)

I tended to be secretly optimistic about the whole thing. While pining for the last guy, and claiming total and utter desperation and willingness to settle, I secretly believed I was, indeed, going to get somebody better.

::cue John Mayer’s Another You::

Yeah, girl! You don’t need him! And you don’t need any man! But you’ll get one, no problem! He’s going to be so much hotter and nicer to you than any of those past guys! You deserve more and you’re going to get it! Your ex will be so jealous and you won’t even care! He’ll be so sexy and smart and… 

I mean that’s what girls tell each other and that’s what we’re trying to believe, right? And when you reach that point where you recognize there were problems and reasons it didn’t work out, you start to believe it’s true. There really is someone better for you!

And the longer you wait the better he becomes.

But then it’s five years later and you’re still single and reality is a bitch.

2

In My Experience

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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The Status Quo

Haven’t checked in with me in a while? New to NERdom? Simply wondering WTF is up? Well, things have been happening. Sort of.

I know a lot of pregnant people. This is new for me. Very excited for them!

New Years Resolution: Wear jewelry everyday, because, man, I gots a lot.

I dated a guy. (I think “dated” is the right word, but I never really know all the old/new school meanings.) This was new for me, too. Short Story: Still Single. [Long Story: I don’t think it worked out, least of all because he called me weird a lot and sort of told me I’m bipolar or schizophrenic and we had few things in common, but more because we were always on edge around one another. It wasn’t easy. Or comfortable. It didn’t click. At least that’s what he said the same night he actually admitted to liking me. I don’t know.]

Should be working out. Am not.

I got a new job! I told you a little about it before. Unfortunately I’m still trying to wrap up my old job, meaning right now I’m working on five different magazine issues. FIVE. It’s insanity. Worse, though, is that my new boss just announced she’s retiring. Remember this time last year when my old boss got moved? Now my editor is announcing her retirement in less than a MONTH after hiring me. I’m really pretty frustrated with her, but more terrified at how I’m going to survive until she’s replaced. As if I wasn’t questioning my decision to take this job already. Jeesh.

Moving up the sorority volunteer line, too. Lived at the house for a couple weeks. Might be becoming a pretty active adviser. Eh.

Got wireless Internet back after not having it for a month. #Winning

Life post-PB is liberating.

Volunteered at a high school debate tournament for the first time in a couple years. Felt dumb. So all things as usual there.

Going to be happily rejoining the lawyer book club just as soon as I can, and I am still going strong with the PB Book Cult and the sorority quarterly club. Goal: 30 books this year.

Finally, and unrelated: This clip which makes me think of this post’s title.

The world is a mess and I just need to rule it. 

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Fact.

Married couples are going on more dates than me.

they are having more sex, too. that’s not how things are supposed to work. 

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The Joy of Family

Now that my cousin is engaged and I’m the only single girl person in the family, I expect some degree of frustrating harassment about what I’m doing with my life. Especially from my aunts and cousins.

However, I was not exactly ready for the interrogation by my two second cousins, Carter (8) and Cole (6).

Boys: Do you have a boyfriend?

Kristina: No.

B: Did you?

K: Yeah.

B: Why’d you break up?

K: Well, we…

B: Who broke up with who?

K: Um…

B: Where is he now?

K: Las Vegas.

B: Why don’t you go there?

K: Why should I?

B: You need a boyfriend.

K: Can’t I get a new one?

B: No.

B: You should make up.

B: Go to Las Vegas.

B: I know how babies are made.

K: Do you?

B: Yes. It’s gross.

K: Is it?

B: Yes.

B: You makeout.

K: That’s part of it.

B: I’m not doing that.

K: That’s good.

B: You need to go to Las Vegas.

B: Make-up with him.

B: Makeout!

B: Boyfriends and girlfriends become husband and wife. Don’t you want a husband?

B: And babies?

B: Don’t you want to get married?

Well shit, kids. Thanks. That’s probably worse than anything anyone else will say.

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Drinking and Dating

In preparation for a forthcoming post about the life advice expelled by Ludacris, I share this video. Too good.

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Single Wives of Siouxland

Tonight I went out with a 40- and 50-something group of women. One has been with her man for 32 years, one divorced, and one widowed. Great ladies, but I don’t want to be them.

I never want to be settled, but then find myself having to start dating again. It was like sitting through dinner and drinks at a horror show. These ladies have grown-ass kids. They live alone. They’re skinny and leathery. They wear the exact same clothes–a tanktop and shorts is their uniform in this humidity. They know all about some men. They have higher expectations and more demands. They aren’t playing around. I’m not sure they’re having fun–but they’re certainly not having any success.

I wasn’t ready to be thrust into that scene. They speak so unabashedly about dating dilemmas and how low-grade the men are. But why do they need the men? They have families, friends, and jobs. They keep busy. So why did the entire night revolve around their problems finding a guy? It’s an echo of the conversation they had 30 years ago when they first started dating. I’m really too young for this shit. I’m already worried about how to meet people at 24, I certainly don’t need to be scared about how it’s going to happen thousands of miles, plenty of years, and pounds of emotional baggage later.

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