To hard cocks. And handsome men.
-Eddie Nero, Californication
What the fuck was I toasting to prior to this?
Here are some more things I’ve noticed about this hot, dusty land mass.
1. Taco places all serve breakfast. When Taco Johns started serving breakfast, most people agreed it was weirdly gross. I still feel the same.
2. They have distinct beverages. Fanta Red must be the southern version of Fruit Punch or Hi-C and whatnot. It’s always there. Their fountain machines also seem to always include Diet Dr. Pepper, which is a godsend. In Iowa, I could only find it at Chick-Fil-A (and Kum & Go, of course). Sadly, I’m having to use that Diet D.P. to replace my true love, Diet Mountain Dew. I can’t find it anywhere! Also, at most places, a medium drink is 32 ounces. And they put their pop in styrofoam. It’s hot as sin down here, so it really keeps that liquid cool, while killing the environment one Big-Gulp-sized take-out cup at a time.
3. Informative signs can be found all over the place. “Watch for water” along the frontage roads. “Bridges ice before roads” before every bridge. I mean, isn’t this common sense? My favorites, however, are the ones that say it’s a misdemeanor to consume alcohol on site–most notably the grocery stores and Target.
4. Magazines are terrifying. Walking down the magazine aisle at Target my first night in Lubbock, I found the May issue of Esquire. The. May. Issue. Does that not disturb you? Even more upsetting was that a week later, I found no issues at all. Checkouts–hot spots for the mag buyer–have such titles as Cowboys & Indians, Country Weekly, Texas Football, and ‘Taste of Home’s’ Church Suppers. I yi yi. Where’s GQ or Real Simple? But I’m proud to report I found Parents and Kitchen and Bath Ideas.
5. Texans really do say y’all all the time. Especially at restaurants. One server topped out with six y’alls in her introduction. Oh boy.
6. Stores have some very different quotidian products. For instance, I’ve never seen so many different kinds of Jarritos. They took up a fourth of an aisle at the HUGE grocery store I frequent. Right next to those were an assortment of religious candles. Those had half an aisle at Target!
Today kind of rocked.
I had lunch at Fong’s with a coworker, Mary Pat. Then I baked a birthday cake/brownie. Then I had dinner at Nick’s with two PB coworkers, Marilyn and Carey. Followed it up with drinks and a sleepover in Ames. Rock.
Oh, and I got into Marquette.
In my total excitement over seeing John Legend on July 22, I chose a different song lyric every day, starting with July 1. Here’s some insight into my thought process on choosing these lyrical masterpieces.
1.) Hey, if I were you it would be me that I go home with.
Sometimes I just want to say that to someone. A kindly, “Hey, you, that gal
you’re about to leave with is a slut. I’m infinitely better.”
2.) Before you get into the shower, before you worry about your hair, baby give me one more hour, I want you to stay right there.
I love just lying around in bed with a guy. And if he said that? Oh hell.
3.) You know I love it when you’re loving me. Sometimes it’s better when it’s publicly.
I hate PDA, but when it’s sexy, it’s just sexy.
4.) Let’s sneak and do it when your boss is gone.
5.) He got a mind of his own and he just be seeing shit. And I don’t want to cheat but I don’t be saying shit. I tried to jack off he asked me who was you playing with? But I know he love you he told me you was his favorite.
Ha ha ha.
6.) Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pain, pleasure is on the other side.
Yes. True speakery, Mr. Legend.
7.) To the bed I’m nailing you, like I’ve been in jail for two years and then they let me loose.
8.) I feel so alive. It won’t last but it’s all right. Fleeting joy and fading ecstasy.
You know something isn’t real, but you can’t help being falsely happy anyway.
9.) Come on why don’t you test me. If you want me come and get me. I show you who the best be.
10.) Everybody knows that nobody really knows, how to make it work or how to ease the hurt.
No one can help you get over it, because no one else knows what to do, either.
11.) When I have you spinin’ round and round, crazy making freaky sounds, you won’t want to come down.
Pick me John Legend, pick me!
12.) Well now I’d like to find what secrets hide in your mind. Where the end will go, will I ever know?
13.) I think we’re gonna blow it and we know it but she’s naked again.
You know it’s a bad idea but then it happens. Sometimes you regret it, and sometimes you don’t.
14.) You can’t say I don’t love you just because I cheat on you. You can’t see all I do to keep you from knowing the things I do.
15.) I know I drink a little but much, and you think I’m talking crazy and such. I can’t walk straight but girl I can see, you’re alright with me.
16.) I can be all you need. This time it’s all of me.
I’ve become a romantic in my old age.
17.) Let’s get lost in lust.
18.) Once you take a hit of this, you won’t ever want to quit. You’ll be so addicted.
If only I were cocky.
19.) Sneaking fruit from the forbidden tree. Sweet taste of sin.
20.) She’s a fast love professional, crafty, bold and beautiful.
21.) I know I misbehaved and you made your mistakes, and we both still got room left to grow.
No one, and no relationship will ever be perfect.
22.) Give me just one night. I’m ready to go right now.
Two weekends ago I saw The Hangover. What a fabulous flick! Great humor, a funny naked guy, and a tiger. No better formula for success.
But what I wasn’t ready for was when I experienced what I call The Hangover: 16 hours in bed due to one night of drinking. I kid you not. I know it’s my fault–gummy worms and cooked vegetables were my dinner, I didn’t have breakfast, and my lunch was some rice and a mini bagel. Ah, but how easily we forget (at least if you’re me) that a night of successful drinking begins with a strong base.
I know that drinking a bottle or so of wine also is in the equation for the ultimate hangover. Again, my choice. If only I had known I would wake up the next morning at 8 am, unable to move, and stay that way until 5 pm! Then, maybe, I would have made better decisions.
This, friends means three things. That I will not be drinking for a while. That not drinking will inadvertently save me money (woo!). That I’m getting too old for this shit. I’ll be 23 in a week. SICK. Grow up, Kristina.
That’s what a lot of people say about the Drake Relays. It’s a 7-10 day drinking binge for Drake students, alumni, and willing attendants. There’s a big track meet or something, too. (LoLo Jones ate it, again! And we thought the summer Olympics fall was a fluke.)
It’s the one time of the year, or so I’ve found, that you absolutely cannot be ready for. Dogtown expands and everything changes. Bars are packed, prices skyrocket (and, interestingly enough, you never pay the same amount for a beer, even if it’s from the same bartender at the same bar as you were the night before), you don’t know anyone, and the crowd is overzealous alumni instead of inexperienced freshmen. Although both are at equal levels of intoxication. Parking is a bitch and you have to pay no matter where you go…if you can even get there because the streets are blocked off or there’s some impromptu race down University.
Your body, especially, is not ready. It can never be ready. No matter how much pre-Relays training you go through, there’s no hope. Your body simply cannot handle the vicious cycle of too-drunk-to-hungover. The secondary spillover turns into damaged friendships, front yards, parking lots, cameras, cell phones, bedding, and body parts. But it heals, you buy a new one, clean up your mess, and wait until next spring.
Drake Relays 2009…100 years never looked so good.