Tag Archives: sex

I’ve been waiting a year for this

I hate February. I tell you this every year. I have a lot of reasons.

Now that the obligatory I-really-fucking-hate-February statement is out of the way (no different this year, I promise you), I can move on to my new favorite thing about February (after the deliciously unhealthy Super Bowl): Dirty and Nerdy V-Day cards. A little something for everyone. I love mail, and holidays, and reasons to send mail, like fake holidays, but this holiday is one I won’t send mail for. If I did, though, you’d get something like this.

In a world where I send Valentines Part II
(see the first version here)

f267e25c93d1d45118830e57ffe33f96 e6800c09f8f16d234e6206e8f2e81741 e3f517fd9b8aebbd03c86547dd66b3aa d0117ea2057fb4b2e78aa03b6f6e9c12 cdfcfafaeb31d8b11d38cb4f89e21d9a c77e174f4d31581ede42d9b562c53a3d b1792d017f87c6f2a665485b4716caa0 a7abae258ca2557c2d36e437d0c9926a 82457e43bc510d5cdc007e48db1c96c2 034847ef0697249389ec7f7c44f712e8 33556d87b0c73d21274756dbeb830414 29814a34aa2923b5b656abbdf6a1b243 975c721747f8f24420bb22e598d9e4fc 669b06ecf9e90466aabfd2bd65334cd0 311fc5b236c3f24c4ae89aac5eb1e2aa 222a81ea4163194c2c38ddca7ce7d3a5 94ae6bcaf6393bc427b22a84b1dc711e 090feb49669b69660a34401792573473 89c7489b76546d6aa88e122d006e8b3e 83f57d9ed55a7315c71ee9c8f5f573a8 77d0fb6f5fe4b3cd7bce3b73d9104656 77accc5973a0fa5a727c7c2d05ff45b2 31c2f3e80c3283f71c5e73190f6279b7 20b024c72bd11aad8bf9455049cb849d 8c177c91ebef78192a2c0136278c0fe1 7f88b74bffaa439ed21172dca7beca29 7c197645b802149e3beddd698cb8a163 5f410247c892c9f4eacece5a4a18b113 5b70187b758ce73f1184ae1475535a80 3eca8afaffc9d2939e0ab15b25bdc5a4 2a1e67574f3afde9d16cefc0630ae4c1 0c59d715bc43d9582bc4ab675f41f683 f8993f7b9568fed1d3af8544b023df3c

fd81242abf9d950737b5a91f4ae3fb94(don’t lie, you totally read that last one in his voice. and it was awesome)

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Get Laid Before the World Ends

Hot sex with reckless abandon should be happening right now, before the Mayans’ prediction cockblocks us–permanently. What’s stopping you? Fuck the hangups and fuck everyone with this musical motivation.

Hey, the World is Ending, It’s Okay to Bone!
get motivated to make it happen while you still can

track one: don’t ask questions
Bedroom Dancing – Day One

She said, “Ask me no questions and
I’ll tell you no lies”
I said, “What about tomorrow?”
She said, “What about tonight?
Trust me baby, it’ll be alright”

track two: take a chance
Work Out – J Cole
So is life, take a chance roll a dice
Money can’t buy you love cause it’s over priced
Don’t overthink just hope it’s right
I’m only here for the night

track three: no time like the present
Quickly – John Legend/Brandy
I know we just met
But baby could you love me quickly, quickly?
I want you to love me
Like you know the world is about to end baby quickly

track four: this might be it for you
Red light special – TLC
Take a good look at it, look at it now
Might be the last time you’ll have a go round

track five: don’t think so hard
Lights Please – J Cole
And all the pain the world cause
She be healin’ that shit
And nah that ain’t your girl dog
But you be feelin’ that chick
And you just wanna tell her everything she might need
But in the mean time it’s lights please

track six: now or never
Save Tonight – Eagle Eye Cherry
Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow I’ll be gone

track seven: for those in the friendzone
John Legend – Cross the Line
Girl, you’ve been my best friend, can we put this to bed then?
Tonight’s the night to cross the line, baby won’t you be mine?
Not just my homegirl, time that I take you home, girl
Tonight’s the night to cross the line, let me love you tonight

track eight: for the Catholics and churchgoers
Only The Good Die Young – Billy Joel
They say there’s a Heaven for those who will wait
Some say it’s better but I say it ain’t
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
The sinners are much more fun

Sex! Just Do it!
get going already, everyone is doing it 

track one: that’s us
I.F.U. – Usher
I think sex is made for strangers

track two: no shame
Shut it Down – Drake/The Dream
But I refuse to feel ashamed
And if you feel the same
Does waiting really make us better people?
Take those fuckin heels off it’s worth it girl
Nothing is what I can picture you in
So take that fuckin’ dress off I swear you won’t forget me
You’ll be happy that you let me lay you down

track three: undebatable 
That’s What It’s Made For – Usher
Go on and hit it
That’s what it’s made for

track four: what’s the problem
Promiscuous – Nelly Furtado, Timbaland
You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it
All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

track five: it’s natural
Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals
So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do It! With Me!
super subtle messages to seal the deal

Get Up On It – Keith Sweat
My Body – LSG
I Can Tell You Wanna Fuck– 504 Boyz
Come Get With Me – Keith Sweat and Snoop Dogg
Take Me Now – Justin Timberlake
Pony – Ginuwine
Touch It –Monifa
Rock Your World – Justin Timberlake
Take Me Home Tonight – Eddie Money

Now, the logistics are up to you. If you’re interested in doubling back to an old joyride, take hints from John Mayer’s Who Says, Usher’s 2nd Round, and John Legend’s Another Again. They all agree, it’s pretty okay to re-bootycall. Looking for a fresh affair? Don’t be worried about her significant other: Ludacris (I Know You Got a Man) and Montell Jordan (Get It On Tonight) don’t really see the problem. Want to keep rawdogging it with the tried and true? Get it, girl. Think a hooker is a good (the only?) way to go? Pay it forward, man. I mean, shit…
We’re at world’s end here.

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In a world where I send Valentines

Hating on February, I dislike Valentine’s Day by default. This, I am certain, surprises no one: I am not girly, romantic, and I’m almost never in a relationship to reap the benefits, anyway.

However. If I did send Valentines, this is what you’d likely get.


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Look at all the innovation here, guys!

Four dudes, same song. Jamie even says, “not the usual.” I love Luda, but I think I need to give it to Trey here. Probably because he suggests a balcony.

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Star Wars & Getting Laid

I tend to get super geeked about clever pop culture references (Twilight in Robin Thicke’s “Sex Therapy”), or references to my favorite things (Bond in Archer) in TV shows, books, songs, and the like. The last couple weeks I’ve noticed Star Wars (old favorite) in a few of my new favorites. Interestingly, three of the four scenarios directly link sex with Star Wars (four for four if you naturally equate Ludacris with sex, like I do).

Californication season 4, episode 1
Charlie: How do you do it?
Hank: It’s an old Jedi mind trick.

Ludacris Party No Mo’
I keep the hood with me like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Ludacris Freaky Thangs
Tallywhacker is a rock hard storm trooper with a purple helmet, made for crushin’ pink cookies. Goonie goo-goo, we cut bigfoots and wookies; and fat women, because they need love too.

GREEK season 4, episode 2
Casey (to Rusty/Dana): By the way, if you guys are going to watch Star Wars until 3 am in your room, could  you just put the volume down a little bit.
Dale: You know he doesn’t have a TV in his bedroom, right?
Casey: Okay, but I heard that scene where they blow up the death star like ten times.
Dale (girl+guy voices): “Stabilize your rear deflectors.” “You’re in range, target coming up.” “Almost there.” “Stay on target.” “Almost there.” “Hold’em.” “Almost there.” “Torpedos away.”
Casey: Oh my god, they were…

Rusty: A rebel booth. Like the rebel alliance.
Dana: Does Luke need to seek shelter in a tonton?
Rusty: You just, hold that thought in carbonite.

Rusty: New pledge Spidey! New Hope!

Any of your favorite things popping up in others?


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Let’s Get Ludicrous

How many resolutions can you make from these lyrics and video? I’m thinking this would be one hell of a year. Or weekend.

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You’re Confused

Dear Pandora,

On multiple occasions I have praised your ingenuity. Today, however, I question your logic, because these two selections are not related. How can I do it in public if I can’t get no?


Don’t Remind Me

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